During the last six weeks of incessant testing and appointments, Ken and I have attempted to ‘live life FULLY-while waiting.’ Remember the book I am writing on control, well it has preached to me during this Waiting journey. Ken is so much better at waiting than I am. WHY? Because my default setting on anxiety kicks into high gear when waiting is prolonged. Here is an excerpt that reveals the danger of worrying about test results, etc.
A controlling woman doesn’t lose sleep because she actually did not finish her work, she has insomnia because of the tormenting “what ifs” running through her head. I learned that when I am in a “what if” mindset, I have moved into the realm of the hypothetical, and God’s grace is not available for such delusional anxiety. I learned the principle of no grace for the hypothetical from a deeply godly man whom I dubbed, “my personal prophet.”
Now, why is it bad to have the fear of things that might happen? Al shared, what is so crippling about my thoughts of “what if” is there is no grace for a hypothetical situation. Grace is only available for reality. Grace is not available for the things I’m anxious might happen, i.e., (Ken possible having lung cancer). My delusional fears block God’s grace, because my fears are not grounded in reality but fantasy. God’s grace is available when we come boldly unto the throne of grace in a time of need. God’s grace is available for time of need not for the tormented hypothetical time of need. God’s grace is available and sufficient for today. Right now. And the moment I step ahead into the future, I will be anxious, because I am trying to borrow grace from tomorrow. When the torment of “what if” begins in my head, God’s grace doesn’t go there. God’s grace is for “what is” not for “what if?”.
So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. (Matthew 6:34 NLT)
Now, when I am anxious about pending test results, I immediately examine my heart for the lurking fantasy of the hypothetical, and I repent and stay in the moment where grace is.
With much relief, thanks, and praise to Jesus, after Ken’s bronchoscopy, the doctor saw no cancer in his lungs. We still don’t know what the infection is. We continue to wait for all the cultures to grow and mature, or for complete healing.